This morning, when I was playing with my cat while downloading some lectures from the internet, I realize that I no longer feel emotional. Alhamdulillah.
I have promised to myself that I will not grumble and shout my lungs out — anymore (I’ve been there :wink:) — for the whole universe to see when I feel emotional. I’m not pointing out for anyone out there. This is me, who has learned from my experience, that showing the world my pain, anger, loneliness, etc. only increases my emotions. The emotion multiplies when people give provoking comments (from facebook). That’s why I decide to wait for myself to cool down, and then write how do I contemplate to release myself from the negativity. That way, I think more respectable and beneficial for me and my readers, inshaAllah.
So, have you ever felt sad out of nowhere? Feeling lonely, running out of patience — you can just flip out to see your cat for just being a cat 😉 — Alhamdulillah, I was not angry at my cats, they are my precious treasure. But you know what I mean, I know that all of my subscribers are smart and my readers are all close and beyond genious.. Okay, that’s how I felt..
I don’t think I need to explain in details about myself, because I know that everybody have felt the same. Have you ever felt like your life is out of ordinary? You sometimes crave for something more plain, not too much pressure.. Feels like your problems are the worst in the world, and you will give almost everything to switch life with somebody else.
For me, the question, “Why you have not married yet?” is common when you are around relatives. And then they give advice, and this and that, but worse, they will make me to consider a random man from family to marry. Why is that worse? Because then I was forced to believe that I am not worthy of pious man, or pious men don’t exist, and pious men will never make their wives happy. I was then forced, to like average man, who only think that Islam is only about praying 5 times — not at all trying to do it in the mosque –, if I’m lucky then he doesn’t smoke. And yes, in my place, Indonesia, you can find a man labeled with ‘pious’ or ‘shaleh’ and still smoking like a Hogwarts train (from Harry Potter :roll:). But that’s another story, for next time inshaAllah. It will be the worst days of my life. Astaghfirullah.. I feel like, why don’t I have that boring life? Why don’t I just fall in love and marry? 🙄
I had been in love, and the relationship failed. I have been hitched by a friend, it failed. A very good looking man, failed. Rich man, failed. People had dragged men for me to choose but everything failed. All of this I believe, qadarullah. So, alhamdulillah.. Allah knows what disasters could have happened if I actually marry the man chosen by people, or my desire, I truly believe so. BUT, others don’t. They believe it is because I was too picky. But how can I not be picky?! Or because I am not worthy of happiness. Nauzubillahi… People can be so mean 😥
I have a very best friend, a sister in Islam, that I love with all my heart for Allah, inshaAllah. About 5 or 6 years ago, we talked about the man of our future. We decided, that we will only look for religious aspects, not else. Really religious, not so-so religious. She even said, “if he has no ability to work, I will”. I was shocked. That was a very heavy commitment. But alhamdulillah, she is now married with a man, decent halal job, acceptable look (not Orlando Bloom, but okay), and very pious inshaAllah. Their patience towards life is beyond amazing. They lost two newborn babies but their faith are too strong, even trials like that don’t make them lose hope for Allah’s Mercy. SubhanAllah. May Allah reward them good, amin ya Karim ya Mujib..
What I’m focusing now is, to make myself to be better in Islam as best as I can. To try to submit myself fully to Allah Himself. Because Allah has promised that I have to be a good woman FIRST, then I deserve a good man. I have to be pious FIRST, then I deserve I pious man. All I have to do is doing all the best I can and may Allah complete my struggle. On the journey to be a good and pious woman, I just need to be patient. Pray for patience. InshaAllah all these trials are actually the answers to my prayers. InshaAllah.. InshaAllah.. If I am trying my best, I believe Allah will not abandon me. InshaAllah.. — You have no idea what I’m doing now while writing this, I am emotional, but in a good way now, alhamdulillah —
Let me quote a line from the movie Evan Almighty 😉 : “If someone prays for patience, you think God gives them patience? Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient?”. Nice quote, right? If I didn’t tell you that it was from a movie, you probably think it was said by Ibn Qayyim or other beloved people of Allah. So yes, I need to fix myself first then I will deserve a good man. So, pray for me, guys 😉
I don’t need a man to make me happy, or to provide me with my life. I am looking for an imam, to guide me to be better in Islam inshaAllah. For that, yes, I have to be picky. People don’t have to understand, because Allah subhana wa taala surely understands..
“… a believing slave is better (to marry) than a free disbeliever, even though he pleases you…” [Al Baqarah : 221]
And alhamdulillah, may Allah reward him good, Sheikh Navaid Aziz mentioned in his lecture, “he who has no one has Allah, and he who has Allah has everything.” Allah knows what is best for me. He is The Knowing, The Wise. InshaAllah, I will pass this trials gracefully..