I’m Alone But Not Lonely

This morning, when I was playing with my cat while downloading some lectures from the internet, I realize that I no longer feel emotional. Alhamdulillah.

I have promised to myself that I will not grumble and shout my lungs out — anymore (I’ve been there :wink:) — for the whole universe to see when I feel emotional. I’m not pointing out for anyone out there. This is me, who has learned from my experience, that showing the world my pain, anger, loneliness, etc. only increases my emotions. The emotion multiplies when people give provoking comments (from facebook). That’s why I decide to wait for myself to cool down, and then write how do I contemplate to release myself from the negativity. That way, I think more respectable and beneficial for me and my readers, inshaAllah.

So, have you ever felt sad out of nowhere? Feeling lonely, running out of patience — you can just flip out to see your cat for just being a cat 😉 — Alhamdulillah, I was not angry at my cats, they are my precious treasure. But you know what I mean, I know that all of my subscribers are smart and my readers are all close and beyond genious.. Okay, that’s how I felt..

I don’t think I need to explain in details about myself, because I know that everybody have felt the same. Have you ever felt like your life is out of ordinary? You sometimes crave for something more plain, not too much pressure.. Feels like your problems are the worst in the world, and you will give almost everything to switch life with somebody else.

For me, the question, “Why you have not married yet?” is common when you are around relatives. And then they give advice, and this and that, but worse, they will make me to consider a random man from family to marry. Why is that worse? Because then I was forced to believe that I am not worthy of pious man, or pious men don’t exist, and pious men will never make their wives happy. I was then forced, to like average man, who only think that Islam is only about praying 5 times — not at all trying to do it in the mosque –, if  I’m lucky then he doesn’t smoke. And yes, in my place, Indonesia, you can find a man labeled with ‘pious’ or ‘shaleh’  and still smoking like a Hogwarts train (from Harry Potter :roll:). But that’s another story, for next time inshaAllah. It will be the worst days of my life. Astaghfirullah.. I feel like, why don’t I have that boring life? Why don’t I just fall in love and marry? 🙄

I had been in love, and the relationship failed. I have been hitched by a friend, it failed. A very good looking man, failed. Rich man, failed. People had dragged men for me to choose but everything failed. All of this I believe, qadarullah. So, alhamdulillah.. Allah knows what disasters could have happened if I actually marry the man chosen by people, or my desire, I truly believe so. BUT, others don’t. They believe it is because I was too picky. But how can I not be picky?! Or because I am not worthy of happiness. Nauzubillahi… People can be so mean 😥

I have a very best friend, a sister in Islam, that I love with all my heart for Allah, inshaAllah. About 5 or 6 years ago, we talked about the man of our future. We decided, that we will only look for religious aspects, not else. Really religious, not so-so religious. She even said, “if he has no ability to work, I will”. I was shocked. That was a very heavy commitment. But alhamdulillah, she is now married with a man, decent halal job, acceptable look (not Orlando Bloom, but okay), and very pious inshaAllah. Their patience towards life is beyond amazing. They lost two newborn babies but their faith are too strong, even trials like that don’t make them lose hope for Allah’s Mercy. SubhanAllah. May Allah reward them good, amin ya Karim ya Mujib..

What I’m focusing now is, to make myself to be better in Islam as best as I can. To try to submit myself fully to Allah Himself. Because Allah has promised that I have to be a good woman FIRST, then I deserve a good man. I have to be pious FIRST, then I deserve I pious man. All I have to do is doing all the best I can and may Allah complete my struggle. On the journey to be a good and pious woman, I just need to be patient. Pray for patience. InshaAllah all these trials are actually the answers to my prayers. InshaAllah.. InshaAllah.. If I am trying my best, I believe Allah will not abandon me. InshaAllah.. — You have no idea what I’m doing now while writing this, I am emotional, but in a good way now, alhamdulillah —

Let me quote a line from the movie Evan Almighty 😉 : “If someone prays for patience, you think God gives them patience? Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient?”. Nice quote, right? If I didn’t tell you that it was from a movie, you probably think it was said by Ibn Qayyim or other beloved people of Allah. So yes, I need to fix myself first then I will deserve a good man. So, pray for me, guys 😉

I don’t need a man to make me happy, or to provide me with my life. I am looking for an imam, to guide me to be better in Islam inshaAllah. For that, yes, I have to be picky. People don’t have to understand, because Allah subhana wa taala surely understands..

“… a believing slave is better (to marry) than a free disbeliever, even though he pleases you…” [Al Baqarah : 221]

And alhamdulillah, may Allah reward him good, Sheikh Navaid Aziz mentioned in his lecture, he who has no one has Allah, and he who has Allah has everything.” Allah knows what is best for me. He is The Knowing, The Wise. InshaAllah, I will pass this trials gracefully..

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  1. #1 by mona on January 6, 2011 - 1:52 pm

    Dear Ree,
    I know you long enough to know that you are an amazing person.
    InsyaAllah, you will get everything only what you deserve, and yes, a man who deserves you is hard to find.
    But believe in Allah, He will surely provide with everything best for everyone.
    HUGS!

    • #2 by rialive on January 6, 2011 - 9:43 pm

      Thank you kak Mona..
      I’m sure inshaAllah..
      HUGS!

  2. #3 by UmmUmarNY on January 6, 2011 - 4:30 am

    I don’t know how I missed this post… am I too lat?! lol

    Never pray for Patience.. because then Allah will send you the trials to go with that Patience… instead, ask for Aafiyah!!! ask for Khair!!! ask for the best of what will be best for you.. in this Dunyah and the Aakhirah!!!!

    I know very well what it is to be lonely… confused… sad… Yah Allah!!! Allah knows me very well!!! So don’t be!!! because there MUST BE.. and IT IS.. someone out there for you!!! ..could you believe it was already written?? ..from the time you were in your mother’s womb.. at 120 days… Angel Gibra’eel came and set that end for you… SO DON’T WORRY!!!! … it will come, trust me!! ..by hook or by crook!!… it will come.. at the right time!!! ..and it will happen very easily.. and you WILL know.. it is right!!

    So cheer up!!! Tons of hugs!!! ❤

    • #4 by rialive on January 6, 2011 - 11:36 am

      Awww my dear Umm Umar,
      Wallahy I don’t feel lonely or depressed at all.
      And yes I pray for everything khair and another patience to deal with the blessings, not to make me forget that all the things happened in my life is all by the permission of Allah.

      I am alhamdulillah very happy, but what people say abt me can sometimes make me sad. nauzubillahi..

      Thank you for your support dear, you’re making me very optimistic. Allah will reward you good inshaAllah, amin..
      TONS more of HUGS at you!

  3. #5 by Farsilla Khan on January 5, 2011 - 10:02 pm

    indeed dear. there are times i just wana shout them back n say sumthing hurtful but whats the point right. if they wana say anything let them say, bcz wat ever ur decision afta this its urs . n thanx for the wish dear, same goes to u :*

    Silla

    • #6 by rialive on January 5, 2011 - 10:38 pm

      Amin ya Rabb…
      🙂

      :*

  4. #7 by Farsilla Khan on January 4, 2011 - 5:07 pm

    well dear dnt worry about that. mine is opposite , tho im 21 n im engaged my parents still think dat im too young. n same goes to my relatives. most of the time i get negative comments from them but this is my choice, my fiance isnt perfect but i feel that he is perfect in many ways n i havent met any1 like him n i feel so happy dat i know. so worry if u hvnt meet u idle man. he wll come when Allah decide aite 🙂

    Silla

    • #8 by rialive on January 4, 2011 - 5:26 pm

      InshaAllah I’m not worry at all.
      But what the people say is sometimes painful.
      And we all know that tongue can hurt more than swords.
      I’m happy for you dear Silla, and I hope Allah rewards you all the best, amin..

      HUGS and MUCH LOVE!

  5. #9 by jnana on January 4, 2011 - 3:48 pm

    MashAllah, I hope your faith increases and continues keeping you strong. We all go through empty feelings, but al hamdulilah if we trust in Allah, we will never feel alone. Also, choosing a husband IS something you have to be picky about- because you are choosing a life partner and the father of your children!

    • #10 by rialive on January 4, 2011 - 3:53 pm

      Amin ya Mujiib…
      May your faith also be guarded and increases, sister Jnana.
      Thank you for your support.
      Yes, I am not a ‘bad’ picky woman at all.
      Meanwhile, may Allah make it easy for me to deserve a pious man..
      No need to rush, everything will be beautiful in time, inshaAllah..
      If not in this world, in el janna inshaAllah, inshaAllah..
      Amin..

  6. #11 by Me on January 4, 2011 - 2:29 pm

    jealous of your happiness of searching the straight path, the path through Allah.
    sometimes I feel happy of my condition now – right now. His test means Allah loves me and my husband, my mom too, my family. but also, sometimes I forgot, then get angry. I hate when I forgot. It’s hard to be istiqomah 😦 Please always pray for me sissy.. 🙂

    also, jealous of the vacation at maninjau.. I want it too 😀

    • #12 by rialive on January 4, 2011 - 3:33 pm

      Semoga kita dimudahkan istiqamah me..
      Amin..

      Ohohoho, memang maninjau itu keyen me.. 😉

  7. #13 by mustikasari on January 4, 2011 - 11:50 am

    Dear Ria.. this post makes me teary you know..
    my sister.. never said that you are not worthy of pious man, or pious men don’t exist, and pious men will never make their wives happy. that’s not true..
    i am in this phase of life too, to be honest. everybody blamed me for never willing to have boyfriend so that now I’m still single.. astagfirullah.. i promised myself that I will not take that road.. never.. if I want to get married with a good man, i will never accept any kind of that non-halal relationship. what’s the point of having boyfriend? going to mall hand in hand? oh no. we’re too precious to be treated like that..

    so I do wait, sister..
    I believe only in Allah.. even some said that I am being too idealistic and surreal.. I keep on trusting to His promises. So now let’s make ourselves better and better.. InsyaAllah.. insyaAllah someday in the future.. Allah will fulfill His promise.

    You are not alone, sister.. La tahzan.. You have Allah with you always 🙂

    • #14 by rialive on January 4, 2011 - 11:57 am

      InsyaAllah we have Allah always, sis Mustika..
      Thank you for this sweet sweet comment, you really gave me a motivation to keep on going on my principles.

      Allah is Rich, so I am not worry 🙂

  8. #15 by Me on January 4, 2011 - 9:43 am

    I feel jealous of you sissy 🙂

    • #16 by rialive on January 4, 2011 - 10:23 am

      jealous of what?
      i am jealous of you, happily married, got pregnant..
      mashaAllah, me..

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