Wedding or Marriage?

image source : google image

I just can’t believe my eyes. The hysteria of royal wedding is not ended yet, at least on my facebook. We are (I’m not included) investing our time for mysterious benefit by watching and following every details of wedding, two people who don’t even know we exist, and I don’t think they care. But hay, I can see at least 15 of my facebook buddies changing their profile picture into snapshots of them (or her, the bride). Some of the girls (muslim girls), says, the dress is so pretty, they wish they have the dress, or they wish they have wedding like that. Interesting 😀

And people do try to make their wedding as glamorous as it can be. Book the building, the dress, the invitation design, the guest, the cake, the food. Putting their best efforts to that one particular day, and neglecting one thing, the ‘marriage preparation’. The mind and soul education, the education to recognize steps on making sure the fairy tale romance doesn’t end on the wedding day or soon thereafter. Because, in real world, a problem of the future will not be solved by a kiss.

When I said on my posts before, that our concept on love and marriage is highly influenced by fairy tales and our concept of beauty influenced by Barbie’s. I am not joking. It is true.
Depressed princesses, can’t do anything for themselves will be picked up by handsome prince, smart, sparkling hair, clean horse, and shiny sword. He will save the princesses from their depressed lives and one kiss will solve just about everything.
The dolls, perfect body, perfect face, perfect hair, live in a perfect pink house, with perfect cars on the perfect garage, closet full of newest trends, and handsome guy with a ferrari pick them up every night. “Hi, Barbie”… “Hi, Ken”… “Wanna go out tonight?”.. “I always wanna got out, that’s what I live for!” 😆

And the wedding of the century (as so they said), with dresses specially designed by someone, the cake matches the bride’s personality (how so? I really don’t get it, how does a cake match someone’s personality? Cake psychology theory? 😀 ), the ring, the ‘this’ and the ‘that’. All focused of beauty of the wedding, glams of the wedding, and the history of the royal family. I don’t think I can take it anymore. *sigh*

A very long time ago, when women was not even valued more than a sheep, when men can have unlimited numbers of wives and can just send her over to people as gifts along with sheep and camels, there was this marriage. Not the marriage of the decade, not also the marriage of the century, it was the marriage of a lifetime. I’ll tell you all the things that really amazed me personally from the marriage. The marriage of Rasulullah s.a.w and Khadija r.a

First of all, when we study the condition and the culture of that time and the nation, this fact will amaze everyone. At that time man will look for women as young as it can be (virgin collectors) and Rasulullah (saw) at that time was an independent, gainfully employed, and very successful. His efficient excellent business ability and serious work performance will make every parents of any tribes marry her daughters to him. But he (s.a.w) accepted the proposal of Khadija (r.a), a 40 years old widow, also a very successful business woman. This shows how a man should be objective to to find a wives for positive qualities, not only following what the culture told him. And this also stated that it is appropriate for a female seeking marriage, or for her guardian, to approach a qualified candidate regarding marriage, as long as this is done in a decent, proper way (in this case, Khadija r.a approached Rasulullah s.a.w for marriage through her friend, Nafeesah).

Other interesting point that carved to my mind about this outstanding marriage was, the scale of loyalty from a man to his wife. People used to define loyalty as just the lack of cheating, or lack of having extra-marital relations. Loyalty is an ongoing positive attitude which can be expressed in many actions, words or gestures. Rasulullah (s.a.w) remained loyal to Khadija (r.a) to the end of his life, long after her death. Ayesha (r.a) used to say that she was not jealous of any woman more than Khadija (r.a), although Khadija (r.a) was already dead, because the Rasulullah (s.a.w) always had the best memories of her. Rasulullah (s.a.w) also had a special kind of positive feeling towards anyone Khadija (r.a) used to like when she was still alive. — awwwww, this is so sweet 

Next point is about the woman’s loyalty to her husband. How a wife should realize that her loyalty will give huge positive impact to the man she marries. When Rasulullah (s.a.w) received second revelation, which woke him from his sleep, breathing heavily and sweating profusely, Khadija (r.a) approached him gently to go back to bed and have some sleep and rest. His answer was:
“O Khadija, the time for sleep and rest is over. Jibril has commanded me to warn the people and call them to Allah and His worship. Whom should I call? And who is going to respond to me?”
Khadijah comforted him and anxiously declared her Islam and her acceptance of the prophethood of her husband. From then on, it was like a da’wa team, striving together in the cause of Allah.

The last point is about trust. This is really giving me goosebumps when I first know it.
Rasulullaah (s.a.w) used to spend many consecutive nights in the cave, and Khadija (r.a) will tell her servants to bring him food, place the food outside, and never disturb Rasulullah (s.a.w) on his deepful personal moments. One day, when Rasulullah (s.a.w) received first verses of the Qur’an, he (s.a.w) went home in fear. He told Khadija (r.a): “Cover me in a blanket, cover me in a blanket!She did as she was told and after a while, this fear gradually subsided in Rasulullah (s.a.w). Thereafter, Rasulullaah (s.a.w) narrated what happened to his wife Khadija (r.a), and he said: “I feared for my life.” Then she (r.a) gave Rasulullah (s.a.w) courage and consoled him, saying:
“Never, I take an oath in Allah, Allah Ta`ala will never place you in difficulty or disgrace you. (You have such great qualities and traits, that) You strengthen family ties, you take the burden of others, help the poor, serve the guests, and you assist the truth at the times of difficulty.”

What would women of this era will do when they have this experience? To find their husbands (I’m single so I’m out of the subject 😀 yeehaw!) came home shaking after experiencing a calamity.. H (husband), W (wife)..

H : “Cover me! Cover me!”
W: Why? What happened?
H : “I’ll tell you later, now please cover me!”
W : “No way! I will not cover you until you tell me what’s going on!” (now he had two calamities)
H : (cover himself with blankets and still shaking)
W : “You sleep? You can’t sleep before telling me everything! Or I will not cook you dinner!” (3 calamities!!)
H : (shaking and imagining that he will be hungry the whole night)
W : “You still don’t tell me? That’s it! You sleep on the couch tonight!” (4 calamities!!)

And we can also see, how a strong woman who was not getting hysterical when her husband is in fear, in fact, it’s her that make him strong to face everything. Remember, this happened when there was this huge gape between men and women, when women were treated like animals. Such an amazing marriage that was. A lifetime example by great personalities.

Focusing too much on the wedding day or fixing our qualities from time to time so the marriage that we will be having (or are having) be blessed, which is more important? May Allah subhana wa taala guide us all. Much love!

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  1. #1 by Shelby Lunan on July 24, 2012 - 2:27 pm

    Psychology is a very interesting subject. When i was younger i really wanted to be a psychologist. I also admire Sigmund Freud. ;.”`”

    Many thanks
    http://www.healthmedicinelab.com“>

  2. #2 by rialive on May 11, 2011 - 9:18 am

    @ Malo
    Jazakillah khair for visiting!
    I’m so happy when mutual bloggers come and visit mine! hugs!

    @ Ayesha

    It is funny, sad, but true…
    May Allah guide us all 🙂

  3. #3 by Ayesha Haroon on May 11, 2011 - 8:42 am

    Beautifully put, sister!! Masha’Allah.. 🙂
    Love it ♥
    haha.. seriously we gotta check abt cake psychology theory!! 😉
    OMG, conversation is ridiculous and yes that’s what happens most of the time!! 😀

  4. #4 by malo on May 11, 2011 - 2:03 am

    this was such a lovely post! esp the comparison in the end:D so much to learn here!

  5. #5 by rialive on May 6, 2011 - 1:28 pm

    @ Jabeer
    Jazakallah khair, Jabeer
    Ameen for your dua 🙂

    @ Little Auntie
    I sometimes can be very funny, Auntie 😀

    @ sr. Xahu
    I was in a very funny mood at that time lol
    Please do visit and leave us your insights.
    Jazakillah khair 😀

  6. #6 by x@hu on May 5, 2011 - 11:40 pm

    Masha Allah! Another great post! I really should come over to your blog more often! 🙂

    Lol! I love your humor! The poor modern day husband with the 4 calamities!! Hehehe!!

    I don’t get all the hoopla about the wedding day either. What’s more important? The wedding or the marriage? I’ve seen couples who spent thousands on their wedding day get divorced only after a few short months!! When that happens, isn’t it all a waste?

  7. #7 by Little Auntie on May 5, 2011 - 6:54 pm

    Yet, another great post. Ma’shaAllah. I cracked up at the ‘Ken and Barbie exchange’. I mean I seriously was laughing out loud.

  8. #8 by Jabeer pd on May 3, 2011 - 3:58 pm

    We heared many cases wedding like this,yes peoples are crazy,people do try to make their wedding as glamorous as it can be,that is for a day only, but anybody think about their royal marry life?. better to follow a model married life of our prophet Muhammed (pbuh), Masha Allah sister, you have written beautifully with best example.. , “May Allah reward a good for sharing your knowledge in islam, Ameen”

  9. #9 by rialive on May 3, 2011 - 8:02 am

    @ kak Mona
    That’s what will happen!! lol
    I’m so happy you love it, kak.

    @ M Sellami
    ma salama to you too,
    (sorry I’m not sure how to respond to this)
    Thank you, please come again 🙂

    @ Ibrahim A

    me too, brother.. me too..

    @ SisterInDeen
    jazakillah khair ya ukhti 🙂

    @ Ansar
    You want to see inside my mind? keep coming on this blog! 😀
    And jazakallah khair for your insights and sweet words.
    I’m so happy to see your comments again.

    @ Wendy
    OMG Wendy, mashaAllah you go girl!
    This comment should be a blog post on its own! It’s amazing!
    And same here, weddings are very expensive with everything, I just can’t believe it.
    I’m so happy to know that you were not trapped into that hysteria, but i do still think your wedding and Andrew was awesome (I saw the pictures) and I am super sure that you are happy.
    Thank you so so much for your insights Wendy, really enriched my post to have this detailed information.
    xoxo

  10. #10 by Wendy (US) on May 3, 2011 - 2:15 am

    Great post, Ria! 😀

    I don’t know how it is in your country, but in my country (U.S.), the whole idea of marriage HAS been overtaken by the “Wedding Industrial Complex.” There is so much more focus on the wedding than the actual marriage that it is beginning, and it is to the detriment of the marriage. Only in some religions do you find pre-marital counseling, which focuses on how life will be after “the big day.”

    In general, American girls are brought up to “dream” of their wedding day, and in the last few decades, the expectations of what you’re “supposed” to have at your wedding to make it “perfect” have grown, also.

    In about 1968 or so, my parents got married. My mom made her own wedding dress – it was not a fancy, multi-layered, pure white monstrosity, either. The minister came to their house, and performed the ceremony in their living room.

    Now, the average American wedding is said to cost about $20,000 U.S. dollars or so. That is ridiculous! That much money could be used on a down payment for a HOME to live in throughout all of your marriage…. but no, commercialism and consumerism have led American ladies to believe that they must have this thing, that thing, do this, “it’s traditional,” (even when it’s really not, like it’s been artifically created by The Wedding Industry). Couples who are grew up poor or lower-middle class are expected to have a long engagement (of a couple years), just so they can scrimp and save for a party for ONE day. It is seen as perfectly normal to spend $400+ on a fancy cake, up to $1,000 or more for the dress, then you must have attendants who are also dressed fancy, you MUST have a big reception, with lots of fancy food that costs you $20 a plate to feed a guest (and at that much per plate, if you have even 100 guests, it can really add up). You’re expected to provide musical entertainment of some kind, and often there is lots of alcohol (again, adding to the cost). Oh, and flowers… beautiful, fresh flowers are flown in from different parts of the world, just for YOUR big day. They also are very expensive. And Ria, these are just weddings for the average American, not rich people!

    I don’t understand how otherwise frugal people justify spending nearly as much as one person’s annual income on just ONE day. Then, you start your wedding with $20,000 in debt to pay…. fun?

    You are right, the actual MARRIAGE is so much more important. From what I have seen, those who spent a lot and had a ton of planning go into their big events seem to get divorced more. Then, those who had average or even small weddings seem to stay together longer and have better marriages.

    I got married almost 3 years ago. We didn’t have much money, and only had 6 months time from when he proposed to when we got married. Neither of us are types who like the attention solely focused on US, so we didn’t have all the extras that most poeple consider “required” these days. We are still married, and happily, I think.

    I didn’t watch any of the Royal Wedding myself, though I saw some pictures. It is weird how often some people live vicariously through the lives of celebrities, though the celebrities don’t know and probably don’t care about our existenece.

  11. #11 by ansar on May 3, 2011 - 2:06 am

    Masha Allah.. best blog ever from you sweet sis.. iam getting very less time n i alrdy told u i need more time to read ur blogs..
    ah this is this is.. fantastic… you know when this royal stupid marraige was happened i turned on tv to watch news.. ah,,i switch many many channels… hahhahha all are showing LIVE telecast of royal wedding.. in our indian media..? too what happnd to them? ….
    i really appreciate this blog.. i love it.. bcoz of best husband n wife example..

    we need lot of taqwa..courage n honesty to b them//
    i always remeber h.khadeeja(a.s.) for their support.. ( am very happy whenevr anyone ask my mother name..it was the same..) she was our mother too;Ummul mumineen….

    ur calamity was superb.. am just thinking abt ur mind..wats going on always inside it,,superb superb n superb …blog ever…

  12. #12 by SisterinDeen on May 3, 2011 - 1:41 am

    ^^^ loool same
    good post, and a great reminder 🙂

  13. #13 by Ibrahim A on May 2, 2011 - 9:16 pm

    salam
    friend on fb share ths,
    nice post. wish all woman have the same thinking.

  14. #14 by M Sellami on May 2, 2011 - 9:02 pm

    very nice.
    long but easy to read.
    ma salama

  15. #15 by Mona B on May 2, 2011 - 8:25 pm

    I was laughing hard @ 4 calamities!!
    That’s so funny and true, baby..
    I so like this post 😀

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